How Many Times Do We Need To Remind You Of What The B In LGBTQ+ Stands For?

Every single year, without a doubt, the very specific discourse about whether bisexuals are a valid part of the LGBTQ+ community goes down. One branch about whether or not it’s a valid sexuality to identify yourself with, and one being about whether they have a say in LGBTQ+ spaces because they could either be in a straight relationship right now or potentially be one in the future. It’s very much an ancient discourse that people seem to refuse to let go of, and it’s an extremely harmful one because of the amount of misinformation it spreads. It’s also exhausting to have your identity and the hardships that come with it be diminished.

Bisexuality tends to be oversimplified often with the purpose of making it easier for others to understand. What these oversimplifications lead to though, is the spread of misinformation. A lot of it has its roots in popular culture and the shallow representation in films and TV where bisexuality is either discussed in a misleading way or bisexual characters are mistreated. It’s associated with indecisiveness and therefore sometimes gets depicted as some sort of “holiday-sexuality” you spend some time with, and then leave once you’ve figured out if you’re gay or straight- or described as gay or straight depending on who you’re dating. The indecisiveness associated with it roots in misogyny, where women are expected to end up with a man and men are expected to end up with a man as well - centring (cis)men. This, therefore, gives in to the notion that (cis)men are the most desirable, and are the ones you’re expected to strive towards. And while it’s completely fine to find comfort in bisexuality and later realize it wasn’t right, it shouldn’t take away from the fact that people can be secure in their bisexuality as well.

Apart from the associations with indecisiveness, bisexuality is often linked to a binary gender system, which stems from the notion that bisexuals date “men and women”. But it’s not a binary sexuality, it’s a fluid one. You’re not either straight or gay, you’re simply bisexual. What the misleading binary definition does is exclude people who exist outside of a two-gender spectrum. It also erases biphobia to an extent, because the struggles are seen more as an extension of homophobia (and therefore you are only “half oppressed” because of your so-called straight side), and not a result of others having an issue with bisexuality itself.

But the privilege of being able to pass in public at times doesn’t make you immune to harm. Bisexual people, especially bisexual women in hetero relationships, cause a lot of noise for no apparent reason. People go as far as say bisexual people in hetero relationships shouldn’t exist in LGBTQ+ spaces because they are assumed to be, as mentioned before, immune to any harm that sadly comes with being an LGBTQ+ person. You’re important and valid…. as long as you exist within the frames other people made for you?

When the Instagram account @lgbt_history posted a picture of a pin with the words “biphobia hurts us all” , the questionings of the validation of bisexuality and the silencing of bisexuals got so messy they had to disable the comments. This was later discussed and they posted another picture where they didn’t need to disable the comment section. A lot of the questions and conclusions have their roots in ignorance and lack of research, and it’s harmful.

Coming to terms with your sexuality isn’t easier because you could potentially end up in a heterosexual relationship. Many people carry a lot of self-hate and internalized biphobia for a long time. You still need to accept yourself and your sexuality. You still have to come out to the people around you. You still risk being outed. You still have to fear ignorance and hatred from people around you. Harm on minorities doesn’t begin and end with physical violence, even though that’s what people often make it out to be. It’s microaggressions, it’s stereotyping and internalized hate. Those are not erased because you might end up settling down in a heterosexual relationship in the future. If you’re on a date with a person, they realize you’re bisexual and you realize they’re violently anti-LGBTQ+ and could now potentially be in danger, they will not listen to you blabber about some social media discourse that thinks you’re straight as long as you’re with them. They won’t listen because they don’t care. You’re not welcome in straight spaces, because you’re not straight.

Photo of Brenda Howard by Efrain John Gonzalez on Them

The erasure of bisexuality and biphobia also leads to the erasure of its history. It has an ancient history that has been wiped out, especially as the binary gender systems were enforced with colonialism. Bisexual people have always existed, have contributed to the community, and deserve to be included in it. One of the pioneers of the Pride parade as we know it today was a bisexual woman named Brenda Howard, who is often referred to as “The Mother of Pride.” She created an event for the one-month anniversary of the riots at Stonewall Inn and then went on to create a march for the one-year anniversary, which we still walk today. She was also a part of the group who worked to have Bi added to the slogan of the 1993 March on Washington. She worked for multiple causes concerning the community and was unapologetic about her bisexuality. She deserves credit for her work.

Everyone does. You shouldn’t need to prove to anyone that you’re valid. There is no checklist to complete, knowing who you are is enough. That’s why we should be past the discourse. The discussions just fade out and then we’re all left here in silence because we didn’t really get anywhere. And even though they’re pointless someone’s still going to bring the same things out in a few months, and then it just goes around in circles. It’s sometimes difficult to identify bisexuality because of its fluidity but that’s no reason to question or invalidate it- and that’s where we should leave it.

By Nilo Khamani (@nilokhamani)

(she/her)

Edited by Halima Jibril (@h.alimaa)

Graphics by Daija (@fresh__squeezed)