Having an Anxiety Disorder During a Pandemic
Illustrator: Holly Warburton
I am on day 6 of my social distancing/quarantine journey. This sudden free time has me reflecting on my mental health. See, I have social and general anxiety. Both make me feel like something could go wrong at any second for any reason. So when news came out about novel coronavirus, COVID-19, my general anxiety skyrocketed.
I have two jobs; both are at schools. Schools are like the epicentres for sickness and somebody is always sick. Ever since I got my first job as a middle school tutor, I’ve made sure to always carry hand sanitizer to work and to sanitize my phone on the daily. I love those kids but even they can admit that following sanitary guidelines is not their main priority. I didn’t get my second job as a college library assistant until mid-February. Three weeks into the job and a virus pandemic had rocked the world.
Last week, as more information was released about COVID-19, it made me stress out about making sure I didn’t get sick. It started as not wanting to get sick myself, but my anxiety geared into not wanting to potentially spread the virus to my two high-risk family members. I was constantly washing my hands and putting hand sanitizer on, even when I hadn’t touched anything. I would barely touch my face and when I got home I shed my clothes and washed them to make sure the virus wouldn’t get inside my house. As soon as I got off work for spring break, a weight was lifted off my chest. I went straight home and have only left for important errands like grocery shopping and paying bills. The middle school has extended its spring break and the college I work for has gone online. But, because I work for the college’s library, my work is considered “essential” and I still have to go in -- cue the return of my anxieties and stress!
Staying at home has not been hard because having social anxiety has made staying at home an already regular thing in my life. But I can’t even enjoy that because I’m constantly worrying about having the virus and not even knowing it.
Anxiety disorders are defined by irrational thinking and worrying. Before the pandemic happened, I was better at recognizing my worries as irrational. But the scary part now is, my thoughts aren’t so irrational. What if I have the virus? What if I’m spreading it to my high-risk family members? What if they get hospitalized? Do they have health insurance? If I get sick, will I be too weak to fight it? My health insurance doesn’t start until May; can I afford to get sick right now?
All of these thoughts and what-if scenarios are constantly (and I truly mean constantly) going through my head all day. I have dreams that involve the virus. I’m breaking out from the stress of it all. I can’t cough or sneeze without worrying I’m sick. My throat feels a little off for a quick second and my brain automatically thinks of the worst. My mom went to the store earlier and everything that my sister, who has down syndrome and cerebral palsy, needs for her special diet is sold out. Sanitary products are sold out. Produce, non-perishables, and even razors are sold out.
This is the second virus pandemic I have gone through in my life and it wasn’t this bad the first time. People who don’t have anxiety disorders who are in a current panic and are experiencing paranoia should know that that is what people with anxiety disorders always feel, even when there isn’t anything bad happening at all.
Right now I am in the comfort of my home but in a couple of days, I have to go back to work. I don’t know what’s going to happen to my mental health. I don’t know what’s going to happen to my town or the country as things are constantly changing. I don’t know how long this is going to last. But one thing I know is I’m not the only person who is going through this. And I know there are people who have it worse. I hope we can come together (even virtually) to make sure those with mental disorders are getting through this pandemic with the support they deserve, even if it’s from a stranger.
By Blanca Reyes
(she/her)
Twitter: @blanca__star
Edited by: Paola C