South Asia's Historic Relationship with Love and Sexuality

Graphic by Daija (@fresh__squeezed) — Graphic by Daija (*@fresh__squeezed)*

Disclaimer: I am not a leading authority on this subject. For any interested readers, there will be a bibliography at the bottom of this article.

South Asia’s relationship with love and sexuality has gone through many stages within history. The Kama Sutra, though misinterpreted through the years, originated in India. It was first written as a guide for living well in general, not just in sex, but emotional fulfilment and love. While this text has become a basis of the racist fetishization of Indian women as over-sexualised erotic beings, it provides evidence that sex was seen as less provocative and more as a form of art. However, this changed with the introduction of Imperialism, the invasion of India by the British Empire from 1858 to 1947 for its resources (otherwise known as the British Raj era). Contemporary South Asian beliefs surrounding love and sexuality bear strikingly similar to the restrictive Victorian beliefs surrounding desire. This suggests that native Indians may have discarded the more permissive ideas in order to integrate with British society and not to be seen as ‘heathens’. There’s also a legal reason for this development. In 1860, the law of sedition was enacted to prevent speech that ‘excited disaffection’ towards the British Raj. This law restricted criticism against Imperialism, and by extension, the Christian piousness that was the backbone of their ideology. This further enforced the idea that active rejection of British repression would have consequences.

Imperialist interference has had lasting consequences on how the romantic/sexual relationship has been constructed in today’s society. The reluctance to even discuss sex and instead shrouding it with shame and secrecy has had a serious effect on how both men and women view sex. Sexuality in South Asia isn’t about individual choice; It’s a moral, religious and cultural dilemma due to the collectivist culture South Asians grow up in. It is, at heart, a dilemma of personal liberations versus cultural loyalty. There is less knowledge surrounding healthy intimacy and relationships, in both emotional and physical aspects, as sex education in schools is still severely lacking. Political figures such as the Chief Ministers of Madhya Pradesh and Rajasthan, as well as the Orissa Education Minister and the Maharashtra state government, have all openly opposed or have been reluctant to include adequate sex education into public school curriculum between 2007 to the present day, but it’s important to note that inadequate sex education is a universal issue. This creates a double standard between men and women as there is an unequal level of knowledge about sex.

There is an obvious sexual double standard between men and women. Happiness and sensuality are heavily associated with men, whereas women’s roles differ harshly. Once again, this seems to be an invention of the British Raj era, as there’s evidence to support the fact that men and women were equal from Ancient to the Early Modern era. They were equally educated, free to choose their own husbands, had administrative jobs and even ruled the country. The idea that women are meant to be desexualized moral beings is still prominent and has the sinister implication that men have more right to their sexuality, contributing to South Asia’s rape culture. So, if ‘respectable’ women are sexually ‘naïve’, these men must then turn to prostitutes who are then ostracized for their profession while men get off without becoming social pariahs. The only acknowledgement of female sexuality in South Asia comes hand-in-hand with a healthy dose of slut-shaming, due to the British stigma around sex.

Traditionally, marriage was an arrangement between patriarchs to preserve their lineage within Indian culture. While this ideal is dying out, cultures of arranged and forced marriages are still prominent in insular rural villages. Clinging to this tradition exemplifies the rejection of Westernization, a fear most likely borne from the trauma suffered under Imperialist rule. However, in the modern age of technology amongst the diaspora (the movement of immigrants to different countries), young South Asian people are finding more ways to find freedom in places such as university, where they are often confronted with their chance to explore their sexuality.

Adding to this, South Asians with LGBT+ identities further conflict with the culture. While ‘coming out’ doesn’t always lead to social pariahdom, there is often a reluctance to discuss it ever again. This is a contributing factor in the decision to move out to more permissive countries. Some may take this opportunity to live freely as themselves, whilst also becoming more ‘Othered’ by their families, being both LGBT+ and a Westernized immigrant. While the fear of Westernization is intrinsically linked to the LGBT+ community, Giti Thadani’s and Ruth Vanita’s works (Sakhiyani: Lesbian Desire in Ancient and Modern India and Same-Sex Love in India: Readings from Literature and History) respectively provide historical evidence that lesbianism in India dates back as far as 4000BC and that there were attempts by lesbians to marry despite the lack of exposure to Western influence. Yet, in today’s culture, the idea of the ‘desiring female body’ is more threatening than a homosexual male, as the desexualized pious woman is the backbone of the contemporary Indian culture.

After researching all of this, a lot of my own upbringing as a queer Indian girl growing up in England becomes more understandable. This fear of Westernization is prevalent amongst South Asian immigrants; even now, I can remember how after coming home from school, my ‘Britishness’ was often left at the front door. The conflict of inheriting the collectivist culture of India versus growing up in the individualist culture of England often led to confusion and sadness as I grew up and became more aware of my place in society. Romance and, by extension, sexuality was not discussed at all in my childhood. We weren’t even permitted to watch kissing scenes on TV (something that, to this day, I am uncomfortable watching with my parents).

This doesn’t mean my life is completely restrictive, though. Now that I am older and my identity has developed, the issue of dating, marriage and male friends have all developed along with it, but only in my relationship with my mother. My mother is now more open to the idea of me dating; We’ve very briefly discussed my dating history, but I know that any future relationships would have to be very serious for them to meet my parents. Marriage is still something important to my mother, but conversations are less about following patriarchal standards and more about companionship. Male friends have always been a sore point with my parents. I can remember my dad yelling at me for talking to male friends in secondary school. However, the idea that I can interact with men and we won’t immediately jump on each other’s bones is something my mother is now familiar with. This openness doesn’t and may never apply to my father, which isn’t really something I’m upset about; I very much do not want to talk about any of these subjects regarding sexuality with my father under any circumstances anyway. These active changes to my mother’s attitudes largely occurred during my time at university, and this freedom allowed me to explore my sexuality and relationship with intimacy.

South Asian culture is restrictive and patriarchal but then again, so is Western culture in many ways. These constraints to both men and women, as well the LGBT+ community were born from colonization and Western interference. While it is important to criticise and challenge its patriarchal culture, to say that all South Asians are backwards and regressive is perpetuating racist stereotypes. There are good things and bad things about every culture in the world and it is our duty, as critical thinking human beings with basic emotional empathy, to understand that sexuality is a subject of intense discourse in any culture in the world. This is the way to become more self-aware of how we contribute to society and try to make it better: by advocating for change.

Sources for Further Reading

‘In a time of danger, queer and trans-Muslims need their own Pride’ by Erkan Affan (Gal-Dem)

‘Exploring the Link between Masculinity, Menstruation and Nationalism’ by Riddhi Kanetkar (Brown Girl Magazine)

‘Sedition, Sexuality, Gender and Gender Identity in South Asia’ by Svati P. Shah

‘Love, Sex and Desire in the Diaspora’ by Chayya Syal (Huffpost)

‘Nursing the Colonial Hangover Afflicted on My Brown Body’ by Joshua Sim (Brown Girl Magazine)

‘Sexuality and South Asian Women: a Taboo?’ by Shaminder Takhar

‘Dating While Queer: a Guide’ by Kav Lakshmi (Brown Girl Magazine)

‘Sexual Desire as Experienced by South Asian Women Living in British Columbia’ by Seema M. Buksh

Usman Khalid’s ‘Unhinged’ series (Brown Girl Magazine)

‘Sakhiyani: Lesbian Desire in Ancient and Modern India’ by Gita Thadani

‘Same-Sex Love in India: Readings from Literature and History’ by Rita Vanita