Yellow Tears — ASHAMED

This song pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. I made it in the past week, as a direct, cathartic response to the Atlanta shooting in which a white man killed eight people. Six of those people were Asian women.

Sometimes everything feels hopeless. I’m a mixed Asian American girl, and I’ve been doing activism and organizing work for the past three years. At times it feels like nothing will ever change like everything I’ve been doing is small in the grand scheme of dismantling white supremacy. With the recent shooting in Atlanta, now more than ever I find myself feeling like none of it matters. No matter what organizing work I do, it will not bring back the women who were killed because of racism and misogyny. But I’m learning that while these feelings of hopelessness are valid, it doesn’t mean they are true.

Despite everything, I believe that I have the power to invoke real change. I recently organized and led a Black-Asian solidarity march in February, and I witnessed coalition in a way I’d never seen before. I, along with other API students, have created an API Student Coalition at my school. I’m in pre-production for a film I’m directing this summer about internalized racism, backed up by a full cast and crew. Despite everything, I am working to create the world I want to see.

Right now I’m exhausted. But I am taking time to rest. I am taking time to process. And like mud under lotuses, I trust that from my pain I can help create a world that is compassionate and free of fear. To those out there who are marginalized, those who are tired, you are not alone.

Stream Yellow Tears on Spotify:

Donate to my Film Fundraiser: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/camp-rebel-film/x/26191355#/

By Natalie Christensen

(she/her)