Brown and Insecure
Graphic by Alexa Marie (@aleexamarie)
Insecurities as a young teenage girl is an ordinary thing to endure. Your adolescence is a time of change, so it’s inevitable to feel vulnerable in a space where everyone and everything changes in their own individualistic ways.
Being of Asian heritage, it always felt like there was an additional layer that affected a big part of my teenage years, and even now, I notice how these experiences are continuous with age. I went to High School in a predominantly white town and looking back I realised some of the insecurities within my ethnicity and appearance were rooted there. I am not blaming every single white person in my high school for the racial identity crisis I experienced as a teenager. I just want to create an open conversion on the detrimental consequences associated with being a brown girl in a white space. I do not want to be perceived as some Asian girl in desperate need of attention. But people should realise there is a drastically different narrative for Asian girls.
Racial microaggressions were made towards me and I found myself being constantly compared to the very few brown girls in my school. In one instance, a comment was made about how I look like a monkey and incidents like these highlighted how there are barriers and difficulties we face that those of other races may not.
It is nothing revolutionary to acknowledge the pervasive Eurocentric beauty ideals within westernised societies. In high school, you were admired if you had: fair white skin, pretty blonde/brunette hair, or all the above. So to look in the mirror and see: brown skin, thick black hair, and a mix of my Filipino and Sri Lankan physical attributes, I felt inadequate. Like my whole identity was just distasteful. On the outside, everything seemed fine but in my head, I was constantly battling myself, and whilst a part of me wished I was white, an alternative stronger part of me was frustrated and constantly questioned why I had to be white to be objectively perceived as beautiful. Why does the world have to reject my features when there’s nothing wrong with them in the first place? It was tiring enough to be self-conscious about my appearance. On top of that, it was draining to want to strive for beauty standards that I could not possibly attain.
This isn’t another tale of the ugly duckling because I was appreciated by my friends and classmates who I’m extremely thankful for. Even so, it should never be okay for a young teen to feel invalidated for not possessing supposedly idealistic qualities simply because of her heritage. Seems silly, but these insecurities made me cautious and skeptical towards guys I’m interested in even today and my first immediate thoughts usually tend to be: “do they even like brown skin girls”. When you grow up in an environment that overall put white girls on a higher platform, it can be difficult to attain a solid sense of self-love.
Nevertheless, reflecting back, I can appreciate I’ve come a long way in feeling secure within my Asian identity. I am glad I’m no longer the old me who used to yearn to be a ‘pretty white girl’ and instead now, I am a lot more comfortable in my melanated skin, flat nose, naturally dark eye circles, and so on. I feel like I’ve learned the answers to my previous disheartened questions. I know that being white doesn’t equate to the epitome of beauty and that every brown girl should unapologetically embrace their ethereal features! The right step forward is to uplift all Women of Colour and to help dismantle and completely shatter the toxic beauty standards that so many of us had to endure.
By Sameera Ilyas
(she/her)
Edited by Makella Ama
Graphic by Alexa Marie (@aleexamarie)